I’m 18 years into self harm addiction recovery. This was the year that struck me down… but it didn’t destroy me.
The irony is that I spent summers 2022 and 2023 writing a memoir on getting through PTSD from surviving a home explosion when I was 12 and then sexual assault when I was 13 and 14. During those early teen years, I lost my faith. I believed that a loving God could not exist if He put me through those things. Yet, the Holy Spirit fought for me and brought me back to a truly loving God. As I was writing my story last summer, I wondered to myself, “If I went through trauma again, would I lose my faith like I did before?”
I almost wonder if there was a bit of a Job moment. (Job is pronounced Jobe. Satan made a bet that if Job lost everything, he would renounce God. Knowing Job would keep his faith, God allowed Job to lose all he had. Job kept his faith, and God repaid everything to him double.) I almost think Satan may have said, “Wanna bet that Shelby would lose her faith if she lost her home, her possessions, her pets, what financial gain she had, her job, her health, and her children’s health?”
The Past Year
I did lose all those things. Last June, lab tests confirmed hidden mold to be the kind with mycotoxins that eat away at nerves and cross the blood brain barrier. I spent the summer waiting and hoping and praying and waiting some more. September came, and things became terrifying when I kept passing out, and my five-year-old developed neurological damage. My health became so bad at one point, I could not care for myself. My husband and I had the most traumatizing discussion I have ever had – What do we do with the kids if I can’t be Mom?
As I improved, my son’s health worsened. Our doctor diagnosed him with PANS. Rather than his body attacking the mold mycotoxins in his system, his body attacked his brain. My mama-heart shattered.
After having no home for 10 weeks and moving seven times, we moved into a rental last November. We walked in with three air mattresses and Walmart grocery bags stuffed with a few outfits and kitchen essentials. No boxes. No moving truck. No suitcases. My eight-year-old daughter felt relieved to finally know where we would start over. My son, however, only just began to understand that we would never go home, and none of his things would come back. Worse, we couldn’t afford to replace anything because our renter’s insurance had a clause against mold. When it hit him that our empty duplex was home, and his toys were gone, I held him as he wailed. He couldn’t understand that we were doing what was best for his health.
When things seemed hopeless, my thoughts were very dark. It is very common for mold patients to be suicidal – partially because of their circumstances and partially because of the drug-like effect mycotoxins have on the nervous system. When I couldn’t pull myself out of bed and force my body to work, it seemed so much wiser to take myself out of the picture so my family could move on. When I failed to be a good mom and a good wife in my mind, I wanted to revert back to my old ways of punishing myself. Self harm screamed my name like a siren, like a drug. I craved the release that the flood of endorphins would bring.
Fighting Back
God gave me two big reasons to fight that temptation – my two children. One day I will have to explain to them the faded scars on my arm from my teen years. I have accepted that reality. But I never want to have to explain to them giving in to an addiction after Jesus freed me from it. Every time the craving was too much, I thought of my children and how God entrusted them to me. The razor never became a tool of destruction, even in those terrible moments.
I am so thankful for my husband. I have never been more thankful to be married to a pastor. The number of nights I woke him up because I was afraid of myself is more than I care to count. He knew me well enough to know that if I woke him and couldn’t speak, it was because I was fighting this battle. He immediately prayed over me and renounced Satan. He reminded me of my baptism. He reminded me all my wrongs are forgiven.
Having been through this before, I knew the ways depression works, and I was familiar with Satan’s old tricks. (He truly is like an old dog who can’t learn anything new.) Surviving the explosion taught me that living in a state of trauma isn’t forever. There is rebuilding and replacement. Surviving two years of sexual harassment and assault taught me that the belief everything is my fault is false. So when I felt like we would be homeless, I reminded myself how God provided a safe home after the explosion. When I felt like I was destroying my husband’s ministry and my children’s childhood, I reminded myself that’s the lie Satan wanted me to believe. He grooms in the same way as any predator.
I spent months fighting each morning to get my body working well enough so I could get up and care for the kids. We worked closely with a doctor, and I slowly began to get better. I found that Ashwagandha, St. John’s Wort, and a blend called Orchex brought me out of panic and initiated some healing in my brain and nervous system.
New Blessings
Home life also improved. Family and friends bought toys and books for the kids, which I saved for Christmas. The kids never had so many Christmas presents! Family and friends from church also bought furniture for us. The echoes in our empty rental faded as we filled it with new belongings gifted to us with so much love. There is not a single piece of furniture, not a single homeschool item that doesn’t have a name and face of a loved one attached to it in my mind. My dad created a Go Fund Me for our medical expenses, and my husband’s elementary church/school held a fundraiser for our medical expenses. My Father’s World, the company I used for homeschool curricula, replaced both my kindergarten and 3rd grade curriculum kits, and the director personally called me to pray with me.
Moving to a new community ended up giving us new friends. We met our new neighbors, and we frequently check in with each other. We became such good friends with one neighbor and her daughter, which has been incredibly healing for all of us. Life started pulling together, and we found our stride.
We have a long journey to climb out of debt and heal our bodies, but I see the light at the end of this tunnel. Earlier this year, I couldn’t see the end of the tunnel, but my previous experiences of darkness in my teen years reminded me that Jesus is the light, and while He might not crack open that tunnel and bust you out of there, He lights up the darkness. He never leaves us alone in the dark.
God’s Word Written on My Heart
“Perhaps you were born for such a time as this.” – Esther 4:14
It’s a misquote of 1 Corinthians 10:13 to say that God will never give you more than you can handle. If you could handle everything, why would you need God? That’s just foolishness. But with God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). 1 Corinthians tells us that we aren’t freaks for the temptations we struggle with; others have experienced the same temptations. Even more importantly, 1 Corinthians 10 promises that God will always give you a way out of temptation. When cutting tempted me, that verse was a great comfort to me. I wasn’t doomed to fail. I didn’t have to cut. I could choose not to, and God would help me. Jesus helped remind me of my children. He gave me an amazing husband to remind me of God’s protection. Jesus provided a way out of addiction. I am not a slave to it anymore.
When I feel like I’m too broken to get back up, this verse brings me reassurance:
“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not driven to despair;
persecuted, but not forsaken;
struck down, but not destroyed;
always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-10
If you are struggling today with addiction, addiction does not have to be the ending to your story. If you are struggling with self harm, it is by Christ’s wounds we are healed (Isaiah 53:5). If you are fighting a battle with mental health, Jesus’ mercies are new every morning; His faithfulness endures forever (Lamentations 3:23). If you feel lost, He leaves all the others to come look for you (Luke 15:1-7).
I praise God for giving me these 18 years of self harm addiction recovery. I praise Jesus for healing me. I praise the Holy Spirit for working daily in my heart. These 18 years are because of Christ alone. Today, I am trusting Him to use what I’ve been through to help others. Like Queen Esther, perhaps I was born “for such a time as this” (Esther 4:14).
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